7 Adorable Animals That Will Make Your Heart Sing
Nature is never to be trusted. Nature produces tsunamis, hurricanes, and super gross bugs. Nature is 60 percent responsible for Kardashians. And yet, just when it seems like maybe we should destroy nature in some kind of sci-fi scheme that involves massive changes to the Earth’s climate or whatever, nature comes back with something so utterly wonderful we just have to give it another chance. Delightful little beasts and heartwarming critters that make us say, “Hey Nature, you’re an OK dude.”
Polly Got Some Molly
Polly Got Some Molly
Look at this pigeon.
No, that’s not a photo of a man stuffing a pigeon’s backgina full of pills. That’s a pigeon with a backpack full of ecstasy that was captured by police as it was winging its way to the most badass rave in the treetops. The eminently trainable pigeon is apparently also cool with tiny accessories, and just wants to ensure our party time is all it can be. It’s the Saint Bernard of Phish concerts.
In an effort to protect the rights of the birds, the police didn’t confirm whether this little fella was captured with glowstick-covered wings while giving blowjobs in a warehouse, but I think it’s safe to assume that yes, that happened and this cutest drug mule was giving mad beak to whoever wanted some. Because that’s what a pigeon laden with ecstasy does. So there’s a cute bird story to forward your aunt.
Ecstasy too mind-altering for you? Don’t worry, you can get to that other plane pretty easy without grinding your teeth down to nubs, and all you need to do is swap your pigeon for a goat. And who the fuck doesn’t like goats, aside from the family in that movie The Witch?
Goat yoga is what happens when you have a terrible idea (yoga) and then punch it in the balls with the best idea (goats). The result is an idea that is not the best idea ever, because you’re still doing yoga, but it’s a hell of a lot better than doing yoga without goats. And do you know why? Because there’s goats, goddammit! GOATS!
This is called “Kid’s Pose.” Ha ha, yoga humor.
How’s this whole shindig go down? You go to your yoga dojo or whatever, put down your yoga tarp, and then there’s a goat that just climbs on you. A Nigerian dwarf goat, so as to not break your back. You get into the Prolapsed Lotus position and the goat mounts you like you’re a shitty ottoman and it’s trying to reach the cookies. “Why?” you ask. We’re way past why. Why are you even asking why? Name one thing in your life that wouldn’t be improved if a small goat were literally on you while it was happening. Did you name one? How’s life as a dirty liar?
Speaking of goats, what are your thoughts on cats? Did you know the internet loves cats? Cats are the everyman, the Jim from The Office, so relatable they’ve survived a near-fatal dose of memes.
Cats historically have killed Egyptian kings and hated Mondays. But now they need our help, and not from trying to cram their fat little bodies into too small a box. A veterinary clinic in Ireland is in desperate need of a cat cuddler. Because in your privileged ignorance, have you ever stopped to consider how cats get cuddled out in the world? You just assumed cuddles grew on trees next to your Prius and your mocha soy avocado Gucci nuggets. Well they don’t, you goddamn patriarchy snowflake buzzword. Cats in veterinary offices need cuddles STAT, and the vet is way too busy putting his finger in a different cat’s anus to deal with your cat’s abandonment issues. So some lucky individual gets to take on the mantle of the cat cuddler: he or she who will pet and hold and probably get bit by strange cats who are highly stressed out and maybe really ill. Fun!
We all knew cats had mastered the ancient art of sleep. But did you also know cats have managed to do what the entire justice system has heretofore unable to do? Cats can rehabilitate hardened criminals! And they love lasagna!
At Indiana’s Pendelton prison, rescue cats have been brought in to share some time on the inside with felons, because what the hell does a cat care where it lives? A prison is somewhat better than where we house rescue animals, so it’s a win-win for everyone. Cats get a new home and cons get the experience of actually caring for and bonding with another living thing that only judges them in cold, detached silence and can’t snitch when they make toilet wine.
Why give a con a cat? Those who have spent time with the cats have chilled right the hell out and feel less stress and less stabby. If the price of not getting stabbed is a cat and a dude with teardrop tattoos on his face having access to catnip mice on strings, maybe let’s reevaluate the way prison rehab works and let crazy cat ladies become prison wardens.
What’s the best kind of cat? A caterpillar! That’s a joke for entomologists. They’re not funny. But caterpillars don’t have time to care about your dad jokes; they’re too busy munching your rugs or whatever else you have that’s made of polyethylene.
Wax worms, little buggers that typically eat, you know, wax, were discovered quite by accident to also have a powerful hunger for your average plastic bag. And as you may be aware, there are currently one dillion errant plastic bags on the side of every road in the world. So that’s an issue.
In real-world numbers, we use a trillion bags a year, but wax worms eat that shit like it’s Pringles. So maybe the solution to one of the biggest pollution problems we have on a global scale is unleashing a Biblical-scourge-level of caterpillars which will in no way turn into a moth plague that will achieve horror-movie-level optics pretty much overnight. I mean, why would you even think that? This is a happy article. Focus on the solution to pollution, weirdo.
How much do you love turkey? A delicious plate piled high with stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, and some moist, succulent turkey breast? You’re a monster!
Look how happy that turkey is giving that man a hug. You’d eat a hugger? A friendly little bird that wants to love you? WHY NOT JUST EAT A BABY WITH FEATHERS AND A NECK SCROTUM?? WHY AM I EVEN WRITING THIS ARTICLE?
The Gecko Bros
The Gecko Bros
Oh yeah, that’s why I did this article. Look at this gecko and his toy!
Ahh. Good shit.
For more, check out The 6 Deadliest Animals Too Adorable to Run Away From and 7 Adorable Animals That Spawn Terrifying Babies.
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