Thomas And Landon’s Relationship Is Fake News: ‘Southern Charm’ Recap


Alright, yall. The episode weve all been waiting for has arrived: Camerans trip.

Craig is sewing Cameran some baby clothes as a birthday present. Ugh. I just love him so much. What a cutie.

Shep goes over to Chelseas house where shes eating peanut butter on a spoon, otherwise known as my regular Friday night.

Shep is apologizing to Chelsea but cant even keep a straight face. God, I really hate him sometimes.

Shep: I want to apologize for the incident at the bar. I was just wasted.

NONE OF THIS IS AN APOLOGY. I feel like Im taking crazy pills!

Chelsea basically says if she had known Shep actually had feelings for her she might have dated him. Y tho??

Kathryn goes over to Camerans house. Jesus, how things have changed over the course of a year two episodes. Kathryn is giving Cameran advice on what its like to be a mother. Ooh boy.

Cam: I just wanted to tell you and Im just the messenger but Landon thinks its your duty to reach out to her.

Kathryn: I dont owe her an apology, if anything she owes me an apology.

And just like that, Kathryn survived her first three-way calling attack.

OK SO. Here’s the deal. Kathryn and Thomas broke up a week before Valentines Day and they had planned a trip to a plantation (lol gonna come back to this in a sec) but then she and Thomas broke up and he took Landon instead. And this was right before Saint was conceived. 

Cam is like No no no you dont go on a trip to a plantation with a buddy. Ah yes, because plantation trips are strictly romantic. Theres nothing more romantic than the remnants of slavery. Gets me so wet.

Naomie and Craig are so awkward and I wonder why they dont just break up already. Naomi is like youre making a onesie? Like she cant even be supportive of Craigs present idea. Like, bitch, just support ONE thing your boyfriend does. ONE.

Naomie just implied that Craig doesnt do anything all day and doesn’t even feel bad about it.

Naomie: I just think people should be doing things with their lives, IDK maybe I just expect too much of people.

Craig: Do I have to live the rest of my life with you questioning everything I do?
Naomie: IDK fam. Maybe.

God this girl is so savage. Does she even have a heart? Organizing a search party for it. (I’d be lying if I say I didn’t kind of respect it.)

Naomie is basically like if you fuck up on this trip Im leaving and we wont be together when we get back. But no pressure, Craig.

Whitney is at Patricias house and Michael pops in to be like Your mother would like to see you now. Like, this is where were at? Patricia cant even yell to her son in the next room like a normal fucking person?

Patricia casually spent like $32K on some tacky-ass elephant clock for Whitney. And my mom got me slippers for Chanukah.

Landon goes over to Thomas and helps him move a table. Shes like Im old fashioned I like to take things slowly. IDK I for one am still not buying that theyre actually dating. They havent really even gone on a date. Walking around the park doesnt count.

Thomas advice about dealing with Kathryn is my advice to everyone anytime they ask me about a guy: No matter what happens, do nothing.

Chelsea and Austen are driving to have dinner with Austens parents. The whole Shep thing gets brought up and shes like Well he didnt actually grab me he just took ahold of my arm and led me behind him.

Austen: So you clearly talked to Shep which is why the narrative is changing?

Chelsea is like I just ran into Shep today. You ran into him. At your house. Uh-huh.

Chelsea: Im just gonna continue to be completely honest and thats what Im gonna do.

Bitch, what do you mean? “Completely honest”? We have this shit on tape! Literally! On! Tape!

The first words out of Chelseas mouth are to ask what Austen was like as an adolescent. THIS GIRL HAS NO CHILL. In two minutes shell be asking about his ex-girlfriends and to see the baby pictures.

Damn even Jennifer is coming on this trip? It is bout to be lit.

Naomie and Craig walk through the airport looking like theyre marching to their own execution.

Whitney is trying to upgrade his room like dont you know who I am? Bitch, no. Fuck Dutta here. Austen and Chelsea arent even sharing a room, this is awkward. Relationships will be tested in Key West, it seems.

Cameran asks if Jennifer and Kathryn are okay and Jennifer is like She always has to have a problem with someone so whatever. Landon yells BINGO! from like, across the beach. Girl, nobody was talking to you.

Cam was like Well I asked her how this all started and then she brought up the trip thing. Landon said it was not a couples trip, it was a business dinner. What business do Landon and Thomas do together? I’m waiting.

Landon: There is no girl code, Im sorry, thats the lamest thing Ive ever heard.

Also Landon: I think its sweet how much of a benefit of the doubt you guys are giving her, but I dont think shes even this committed to getting her children back.

I mean thats cold. Landon is already acting wasted. Did she say beach towns are the only thing Im good at? Im confused. Shes begging Austen not to leave her. Oh god this is bad. But also giving me life.

Landons like Austen Im glad youre around because Im trying to find some new blood and shes calling Shep babe. Oh god. This is your drunk aunt x 1,000.

Chelseas like Landon knows me and Austen have been hanging out, I just dont think she cares about girl friends. Gee I wonder what gave you that idea? Could it be the fact that she said two seconds ago that girl code is bullshit? Hmmm

Shep knocks on Austens door to be like I wanted to make sure I apologized to Chelsea first because she deserves that. OK then why are you here? Austen is like What hurt me the most was when you said I dont need your friendship. Ive thought of you as a brother. She is like I consider you a very good friend. Ouch haha.

Shep: I can handle the guilt and be culpable. It was a dumb, drunk move.

Shep didnt even say Im sorry but he used so many big words that Austen is just gonna accept it as the apology.

Chelsea asks Kathryn how she feels about Landon being at dinner and Kathryns like Its not about me its about Cameran. Maybe she really has changed.

The group arrives at dinner and everyone is already wasted. Craig is slurring Naomies name. Landon’s hair is jacked up. Landon is screeching about there not being enough seats. Damn she is really done, fam. Somebody take her home. Come get ya aunt girl.

This is all so fucking ridiculous. Thomas is giving conception advice like just shoot it in three times. Whitneys calling Thomas name right next to him and Thomas is non-responsive. LMAO this is such a hot mess.

Kathryn takes this moment to turn to Whitney and apologize. Sure, thats the best time and place to do it.

Oh here we go. Landon gets up and leaves for no reason.

Whitney: Ive been doing a lot of meditation lately. Peace, love, unity, respect. *goes to EDC once*

Landons wasted and Whitneys telling her she needs to just apologize to Kathryn. I dont think this is the best occasion to do this. He brings Landon over to sit next to Kathryn and its about to go down.

Whitney: This is Landon. Yeah I think theyve met.

Landon: The past is the past lets move on.

Dani steps in and is like I know you guys want to be cordial. You want to let it go. Dani over here is trying to incept these apologies. Thats not how anything works. Craig stands up and is like No, you have to talk about your issues. No thats not how this works. Im going in.

Craig *goes to therapy once*: When Naomie and I get into fights we talk about what made the other person mad.

Naomie is like you’re making me feel awkward and Craigs like if you continue to correct me we should just break up tonight. OH SHIT.

OMG Landon is sooo fucking whiney. Shes like I think sometimes Thomas uses me as a weapon against you and I dont think thats right. Thomas is across the table like Bitch, dafuq?

Landon: I want the best for you and I just dont know how to facilitate that.

Shes like crying and goes in to hug Kathryn and it is SO FUCKING WEIRD.

Cameran: Raise your hand if youd like to get shit faced at a bar! I dont think you guys need to get any more shit faced tbh.

Landons talking to Thomas like I dont want to have any negative energy in my life and Kathryns been a big source of negative energy. I need to have a separate relationship with Kathryn, neither of us have a problem with the other one its just everyone elses bullshit. Ummm, do we live on the same planet?

Damn even Thomas is like Landons apology to Kathryn was totally self-serving and shes just trying to advance some agenda. Even Thomas sees through her bullshit! Landon Clements is over. Im calling it now.

Landon trudges up to breakfast and says she has a really bad migraine and hasnt slept. Just call it a hangover. She even has to be pretentious about hangovers, like Christ.

Kathryn comes through sounding hungover af but I thought she wasnt supposed to drink.

Kathryns saying someone isnt allowed to be near the kids? IDK. She says Watch yourself, boy to Thomas. Landons like Thomas, just let it go stop being a dick to Kathryn. Wow I am getting whiplash rn.

Thomas: Landons coming across as someone Im not going to waste anymore time with.

Welp, that was fast! Weeks of buildup over a relationship for… nothing.

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